For as long as I can remember, my mom's side of the family has had a tradtion of sharing our Christmas wish lists when we all got together for Thanksgiving dinner. As our family has grown through marriage and children and spread out geographically, getting everyone together for Thanksgiving is not always possible. So a few years ago, as the rest of the family moved into the Internet age, my wife created an online family gift registry. Every family member has their own account where they can update their wish list year-round and see everybody else's.
Enter my mom's middle sister, Nancy. She has a habit of going "off-list" and buying some strange gifts over the years -- the balancing wine bottle holder, the clock in a piece of driftwood, etc. We always shrugged it off, chalking it up to her eccentricities or just last-minute shopping. But this year showed us that she simply doesn't like shopping from someone else's list.
It's not that this year's gifts were "bad". In fact my wife's and my gifts were right off our lists. But we all started to worry when she talked about how she *knew* my dad would love his gift and how she sent her husband out special to get it for him. Turns out that she bought him a Penn State 2006 Orange Bowl t-shirt. Now ordinarily that wouldn't be a bad gift for a Penn State fan... unless you know my dad. He doesn't really wear t-shirts (except on vacation), and he doesn't need any more Penn State t-shirts. And he's also said that would only want a t-shirt that pertains to a specific event if he was actually at that event.
So, what on the surface appeared to be a very thoughtful gift turned out to be something that will just be exchanged. Which brings me to my question: What constitutes a "thoughtful" gift?
Some people would say that purchasing something off someone's wish list (or, similarly, off a bridal registry or baby registry) is not "thoughtful" because it requires no thought or effort on the part of the purchaser. I disagree on two points.
First, although one definition of "thoughtful" is "characterized by careful thought", it can also mean "showing heed for the well-being or happiness of others". By selecting something off a wish list or gift registry, you are being thoughtful by heeding the receipient's wishes and buying a gift you are certain they will enjoy.
Second, just because you decide to buy something from a person's gift registry doesn't mean you can't put some thought into it. Just selecting which gift you want to purchase shows thought. For example, do you want to purchase something practical, or something that's more of a "fun" gift? If shopping from a baby registry, perhaps you pick something you know the couple will have to buy themselves if they don't get it as a gift. If shopping from a bridal registry, you might decide to buy that final set of china. In addition, I have always made a point of putting some generic items on my gift list (and on our baby registry as well) -- things like "tan dress socks with patterns" or "oxford shirts that go with khakis" allow the gift giver to select a gift that still requires putting their own thought into the item. My brother was even able to take an ordinary wish list item like "popcorn for hot air popper" and turn it into something original by shopping at Harry and David.
In my aunt's defense, my dad is notorious for having boring gift lists.... things like batteries, fish filters, or gift certificates for local theater companies. Hmm... actually, after looking at his list again, my dad really DOESN'T have any good gift items on his list! But even so, all it takes is a quick phone call to mom to ask if so-and-so would be a good gift for her husband... especially when shopping for someone as picky as my dad!
What do you think? Is using a gift registry (or buying gift certificates for that matter) unthoughtful and impersonal?
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3 comments:
Shopping off a wish list or registry is VERY thoughtful. As is going off-list. But if the family dynamic is to shop using the lists, then going off-list is kind of....maybe...sort of...passive aggressive?
Says one whose Amazon wish list is 3 pages long (but mostly to get things out of "recommended" status. And I buy for myself from the list too. And there's something for every taste on there, so people who give me gifts have a real choice. And there's almost nothing on there that's over 30 dollars.)
Ah... hmmm... passive aggressive, huh? This aunt is the psychology major who used to talk about "being assertive with your food" to take out aggression. Maybe there is something more to this whole gift giving thing then I realized!
Well it's like my aunt. She knows a few things that I like and tries to stick with a theme. Your dad likes Penn State and she probably thought he'd appreciate the t-shirt, being that they're actually going to a bowl this year. Frankly, I'm surprised that he didn't like the shirt, and even I didn't know that he only wanted shirts from places he'd been! Anyway, I personally thought that gift was more thoughful that gifts she's given in the past. He needs more coin collecting things on his list!
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