Friday Funnies - Man humor

You've probably seen the first part of this before but it's funny (and true) enough to read again. (I've also inserted my own comments.) After the list are a few jokes I heard at work recently. (Liz, you can probably guess who they came from!)

The Guys' Rules

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!
Please note.. These are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Men ARE not mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
(This is one my wife needs to work on!)

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
(I'm not exactly sure what the author means here. Does this mean that women should accept a yes/no answer as an acceptable answer from a man? Or does it mean that it's ok for women to stick to yes/no and not bore us to death with the details? Or perhaps it means that when you ask a question, be willing to accept either "yes" or "no" as an answer (i.e. "Could you take out the garbage?"). Maybe it's all of the above!)

1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
(Another one my wife needs to take to heart!)

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
(I like this one!)

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
(Or romantic movie guys.)

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
(See #1 below... er... well you'll figure out which one I mean!)

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
(I like this one too!)

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
(Of course the second half of the sentence renders the first half moot.)

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
(Um, yeah, and he ended up in America instead of India. Probably not the best example, dumbass!)

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
(Too true! This is the '#1' I referred to earlier.)

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... really.
(I don't really agree with this one. It depends on where we're going. But I'm sure the author meant that you don't need to spend an hour "getting ready" to go to the grocery store!)

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
(Or sex. Or cars. Or... did I say sex?)

1. You have enough clothes.
(Unless you are my wife... then it's "You have enough Land's End clothes.")

1. You have too many shoes.
(Unless you are my wife... then it's "You have too many shoes without heels.")

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

_____________________

What's the difference between a wife and a job?
After five years, the job still sucks!

What's the difference between a wife and an airplane?
When you land in the Bahamas, the plane stops whining!